Lately I've had a thought on my mind that won't go away. I've avoided exploring the idea of it because I wasn't sure I liked the end verdict, but I've finally come to grips with it. I am a new me. The me I was two and a half years ago is gone, maybe to never return.
I am not as innocent as I used to be. Not as naive. Not as carefree and funloving.
I am more serious. More cautious. Older (literally and figuratively). I carry a heavier load.
I have to admit I don't always like these changes. When all my old friends are off having fun, and I wish I even cared to join them, it makes me sad--but those things don't sound fun to me anymore. My fun comes in other ways, like baking with my girls or getting my house clean. When others are going out on dates with their husbands or boyfriends, and we can barely stand to leave our kids with a babysitter for an hour or two, it makes me sad--but we'd rather us all be together. Period. I hate, hate, hate it when people say, "You're only as old as you feel", because I usually feel like I'm about 100.
The changes aren't all bad. I "get" people more than I used to, because I can generally see past the artificial shell they've put up. I have more compassion and understanding toward people, because I realize what pain truly feels like. I cry more (way more, much to my dismay), but it's because I care more. I'm pretty sure that I'm okay with the person I've become. I don't need to be that person anymore. I'm happy with the place I'm in, even if it can be pretty lonely. The people who "get" me where I am are the people who love me the most anyway.
What about you? Are you a different you than you used to be? Do you think it's good or bad, and what brought the change?
So...THAT's what's so wonderful about you. It's something that God has done. Wow. He does great work.
ReplyDeleteYour words, your life in your words, are pretty awesome, Katie.
I think Becky and I have also come through some places and times that made us different people.
And, we teach some amazing people your age in our Sunday school class that have also, just recently, begun some difficult journeys.
We see them changing too, little by little. It's a beautiful thing to observe.
Thanks for sharing, for opening your heart to confirm for others what God can do with the trials he leads us through.
Your faith shines.
Thanks so much Damon!
DeleteWe are all changed by our experiences and circumstances. I think it would be sad if we didn't change or grow through each of lifes obstacles. I know that when I was taking care of my father as he suffered with dementia, and my mother as she suffered with depression, the experience definitely changed me. Like you, I didn't always like those changes. And I needed friends around me who understood that.
ReplyDeleteSo even though it may feel like somewhat of a loss for you not to want to hang out with those old friends and do what they do, remember that you are blessed to have new friends who understand why you don't want to go out and leave the girls with a sitter. I hope that in time you will be more than just "okay" with who you are, that you will embrace the woman you've become. I, for one, think you are amazing! =)
You're right Ruth. Changes make us into better people if we let them. And thanks for your kind words :).
DeleteTo me, it's called growing up. In my opinion those that are still going out at night all the time, haven't grown up or maybe they are still single? There is nothing wrong with that but there is also nothing wrong with staying home and being with your family. In fact, that is what life is really all about.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have no children, we have dogs and a cat and we beat ourselves up because we'd rather be at home with them then be out doing anything else! Sometimes I get sad too that that's what makes us happy but it is what it is. I'd rather be home playing with my doggies than anything else. Except maybe shopping. ha!
Don't be so hard on yourself, Katie. You sound like a terrific mother, wife and friend and you know what's important in life. And that is a GIFT not a fault.
Thank you Allyn! I never was a partying kind of gal, but I definitely don't have the "want to" for some of the other so-called fun things other people enjoy. And "growing up" is a nice way to think of it (again, I feel like I'm 100 anyway! LOL).
DeleteI'm happy for you that you're in this place now, Katie. It's okay not to be doing what your friends are doing, even if it makes you feel like 100 years old. (At least it's YOUR 100 years of fun. We define our own fun.) I thought I am different from who I used to be two years ago, but recently I've let myself be cornered into the old (bad-tempered & petty) me again. I've been wondering if I've changed at all. Still, I remind myself that these outbursts are for me to learn to becoming a better me. So ...
ReplyDeleteI used to be very self-conscious, but now that I'm older, I'm not afraid to do something embarrassing. In fact, I think it's funny. I think I've learned not to worry about little things because there are a lot bigger problems in the world.
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