Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Warring Emotions

This morning as we drove to Emma's clinic appointment we were feeling great!  It was a bright sunny day, Emma was in a great mood, and Ashlyn had finally seemed to get over her little sickness.  I was thinking about two upcoming (free) trips we will be taking.  Emma was happily coloring in the back seat.

And then a terrible feeling of dread came over me.  I quickly reminded myself to stop being happy.  And so I was somber.

Sound strange?  It is, I know, but I can't help it.  I am terribly afraid of being happy because I just KNOW that as soon as I'm happy the other shoe is going to drop.  I have a nagging feeling that I'm not the only one who does this.  I think there are lots of cancer moms out there who dread what tomorrow will bring.  Beyond that, I would wager there are lots of other people who have been through something traumatic who feel this way, too.

I remember right before Emma was diagnosed.  We were blissfully happy.  We had a brand new baby; we were spending lots of time together (as opposed to Micheal working all the time); we had just bought a new car.  I remember even having a conversation about how happy we were.  How perfect things were.  Maybe God was giving us an extra dose of happiness because he knew what was coming. 

Whatever the reason it made me a bit paranoid, and now when I get that feeling of happiness I am suspicious.  I'm not really sure how to fix it, but I guess I should work a little harder on it.  What about you?  Have you ever felt that way?  How did you work it out?


  1. I feel that way a lot. I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could help.

  2. Jen, thanks for posting! At least I know my "nagging feeling" was right : ) Here's hoping we both get things "straightened out" soon.