Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Lost Innocence

Everything we do in life changes us--either for the good or the bad. This post is hard to write, even though it's something I've been thinking about writing for a while.

Emma's cancer journey has changed her. It stole her innocence and left her fearful of everything. When she and Ashlyn play outside, Ashlyn runs into the trees, laughing and chasing butterflies. Emma stands back, near the porch, watching Ashlyn have fun. While Ashlyn tries the monkey bars, Emma does the safe thing and only sits on the swing. While Ashlyn proudly tries to ride a bike, Emma sticks to her 3-wheeled scooter because it doesn't wobble.

Have you ever seen a parent place a child on a counter top and instruct the child to "jump to daddy"? Most kids will leap without abandon. Not Emma. I don't think we could even bribe her into jumping. Not only is she fearful of everything, she is un-trusting of us as her parents. You see, we've had to put her through so many terrible experiences that she doesn't believe yet that we don't have something up our sleeves.

It is my hope and prayer that someday soon she will move past this, because while most kids are busy playing in their blissful innocence, Emma has none of that in her. It was lost long ago.

I didn't write this to sadden anyone, or to make people feel sorry for Emma. Instead, I wrote it to make you stop and think--what have you been through, and how have you allowed it to change you?


  1. In the brokenness of divorce...I lost a sense of family, trust, faith, confidence. Entered a place of emotional wilderness, random dark moments, fears that drove me to my knees.
    On my knees...I felt His arms on my shoulders, felt His fingers on my face, taking my sorrow as His.
    In his arms...I cried, I sighed, and finally rested all my hope in Him. I welcomed what would come.
    All my fears were for naught, but I had to go through them to know it. Emma will too. Years from now, she'll be showing you (texting you) pictures of her latest skydiving adventure, her fun on the rope-course at camp, her new friend whose fears SHE listened to, as she held that new friend in her arms.
    I have no doubt God is equipping her for something wonderful that will amaze and astound you in years to come.
    Don't try to embrace the normal, when God is working out for you the extraordinary.

    1. Thank you, Damon. Your words offer me hope!

  2. Hi, I just found your blog while searching for other bloggers with children fighting cancer. We're about a year and a half into treatment for our 6 year old and really feeling the impact at this point (I don't know why it's so delayed).

    I imagine it is especially hard when you have two children and can see the differences due to the illness. But we have similar issues with our son. He is very hesitant to participate in physical activities and was failing PE (until I met with the school and got a 504 plan in place).

    Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that someone out there understands and is dealing with the same thing. Hang in there.