Tuesday, August 19, 2014


The other day I was digging through a cabinet looking for the salt (true story!). It is the same cabinet I store my cookbooks in, and I noticed a pink notebook shoved in among the cookbooks. Curious, I pulled it out. It was a pretty little notebook (see picture below). Again, I was curious. What was this notebook, and why was it with my cookbooks?

Well, I still have no idea why it was shoved in with the cookbooks, but I now know what it is (and I can't believe I ever forgot). When Emma was diagnosed back in 2010, someone gave me this notebook to jot down my thoughts.

I read through the notebook, and there were actually only a few entries, many only a few sentences long. But after I read it I was a little bit surprised at the thoughts I'd had, and I decided to share them with you today.

* I understand the whole "asking for the grace to get through the day -- the moment -- " thing. I feel like I need God's help to get through this sentence.

* The only thought that keeps me from being angry is that God can do whatever he wants. He's the almighty God of the universe, after all. Who am I to say, "God, not my daughter!" How can I take personal offense at what God chooses to do? It is his world, and I guess he can do whatever he pleases. I have to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

* I understand now that had they (St. Jude) not diagnosed her and started treatment immediately, the mass would have crushed the main artery to her brain. This was on the verge of happening when she was brought in, and they told us she had to make it through the next 48 hours. I was told this then, but I understand it now. I think this was God's grace, because had I understood t then, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown.

* One of the first thoughts Micheal and I had after Emma's diagnosis (and the help we got from SO many people) was, "Awe man, we're going to have to be friendly now." And we meant it! How sad. No wonder God had to do something big. We were in our shell and we did NOT want to come out.

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