The Best Laid Plans...and all that jazz

LOOK! The countdown ticker says the most glorious words--complete. Technically Emma's treatment is complete, and she will never get that poison we call chemotherapy again.

However, things don't always go as planned. I had a few goals this week, and none of them will be completed. First of all, it was my goal to go to Memphis and celebrate Emma's end of treatment. Instead we ended up in the hospital for 5 days for an ear infection (yes, you read that right). "But her treatment is complete, right?" you ask. Uh, maybe. Maybe not. Technically she is done. However, her doctors may choose to give her one last dose of chemo, since she missed it. They haven't decided yet.

Another plan I had this week was to finish the first draft of a manuscript I'm working on. I was right on schedule to finish it by the end of the week, but being in the hospital zaps your creativity. Besides that, there was lots of playing going on to keep up the patient's spirits :).

So, my two big goals went down the tubes. Will both goals be accomplished? Well, sure. Emma WILL finish, whether now or next week, and I WILL finish my manuscript, though I won't try to predict when.

The point? Things won't always go as planned, but you've got to keep chugging away. What about you ('cause I know we've ALL had plans go haywire)? What's messed up in your life lately (ha!)?

Life By Paper

At the time of this writing, the countdown ticker at the top of the page reads 10 days until Emma's No Mo Chemo. Ten measly days (and as of today, the day I'm posting, only 5 days!).

Mostly I am excited. Overjoyed. Grateful.

However, there is also apprehension. My life has been lived according to a piece of paper for two years and seven months now. That's a long time to be controlled, and the thought of no longer having to live according to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital's guidelines is a little bit overwhelming.

You see, they have dictated what I do every single morning for more than 2 1/2 years--give Emma her antibiotic. They have dictated what I do every single night before I go to bed for over 2 1/2 years--give Emma her chemo. They have dictated what I do every single Tuesday--go to the clinic for much of the work day. They have told me what I must do every time Emma runs a temperature of over 100.4 degrees--make the hour drive to the children's ER. Not only that, but they've given me regular reminder calls, occasional out-of-town visits to the main hospital in Memphis, and stacks and stacks of paper work, blood draws, and measurements.

What will I do when I no longer have to live my life according to a piece of paper--a roadmap, as they call it?

I don't know. I guess I'll just try to enjoy it. Suggestions?

Broken

Thoughts and fears of my child’s death have made themselves a regular and sadly normal part of my life. However, losing a child in a place and manner such as happened last week in CT is unfathomable. I can’t go so far as to say it is “worse”. I don’t see how losing your child could be worse one way than another. One way you aren't expecting it and it is done by a madman. The other way you have to watch your child die a slow, painful death by a killer no one can control. Either way you are devastated. Dead inside. Broken.

Still, as the facts came out over the weekend, we saw it as it was—heinous and unimaginable.

My heart breaks for these families, and I offer up sincere prayers for their comfort, peace, and ability to go on. Sometimes life gives you lemons and you have to make lemonade. Other times life sends you a tsunami and cuts you down to drown you.

Rest in peace, sweet babies.

Reflections

I know, I know...I've neglected this blog quite a bit lately, but in my defense I've been busy. Emma's cancer journey is almost at its end (as I'm sure you are all aware by my constant reference to this fact!). I've done a lot of reflecting on this journey lately, reflecting on the changes it's brought about in our lives--bad changes and good changes.

Bad changes:

I have tons of videos and pictures of Emma as a baby, but none of Ashlyn. Reason? I wasn't with Ashlyn for huge chunks of time when she was a baby. Memories down the tubes.

I'm a much more stressed-out person now than I was before Emma got sick. This leads to less patience, which isn't really a good thing ever, but especially not when you have two small children.

I can't help but mourn when I think of the life that was lost. We were just so HAPPY before Emma got sick. We are all happy now, but it's a new, different kind of happy (note this is also a good thing, as we are happy on a deeper level). Still, I feel sad when I think of those happy, carefree days.

Good changes:

Micheal and I are both on different career paths than we were 2 years and 7 months ago. We are both happier on these paths. I was able to start writing again, which is awesome! These changes would never have been made if Emma hadn't gotten sick, for many reasons.

We love more. We appreciate more. We understand life more. The little things don't get to me anymore. In fact, I'm generally thankful for the little things. It means there's nothing BIG to worry about, and I don't like big. I like boring with a capital "B". Boring is good.

I hope that Emma is also on a different life path, too. She is on a path that we know for sure will be wrought with more pain and health issues in the future, but hopefully she will be a stronger person, a fearless person, and kind-hearted person. Hopefully she will remember that God can do anything, even take away cancer when it's got you by the throat (okay, bad pun).

So, that's all for me this time around. I'm debating whether or not to continue this blog once Emma finishes treatment. We'll see :). 

Thanks and Giving

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday! This is my favorite time of the year, and I look forward to consuming lots of yummy food on Thursday.

This year I decided to make another list of the things I am thankful for, so here goes:

* My family. I am so blissfully thankful for my family because I am fully aware that we may not always be together.

* God's mercy on us. He's carried us through the worst of times and not only given us the grace to get through it, but also the mercy to not take everything away from us. In other words, he let us keep Emma.

* St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.

* True friends. Some of you I know "in person", and some of you I only know online, but I have many true friends and I am thankful for you.

* Stuffing. Yes, I love stuffing. I like "dressing", but I waaaaayyy prefer stuffing. And pumpkin pie. With Cool Whip.

    

 

What are you thankful this year?

A New You

Lately I've had a thought on my mind that won't go away. I've avoided exploring the idea of it because I wasn't sure I liked the end verdict, but I've finally come to grips with it.

I am a new me. The me I was two and a half years ago is gone, maybe to never return.

I am not as innocent as I used to be. Not as naive. Not as carefree and funloving.

I am more serious. More cautious. Older (literally and figuratively). I carry a heavier load.

I have to admit I don't always like these changes. When all my old friends are off having fun, and I wish I even cared to join them, it makes me sad--but those things don't sound fun to me anymore. My fun comes in other ways, like baking with my girls or getting my house clean. When others are going out on dates with their husbands or boyfriends, and we can barely stand to leave our kids with a babysitter for an hour or two, it makes me sad--but we'd rather us all be together. Period. I hate, hate, hate it when people say, "You're only as old as you feel", because I usually feel like I'm about 100.

The changes aren't all bad. I "get" people more than I used to, because I can generally see past the artificial shell they've put up. I have more compassion and understanding toward people, because I realize what pain truly feels like. I cry more (way more, much to my dismay), but it's because I care more. I'm pretty sure that I'm okay with the person I've become. I don't need to be that person anymore. I'm happy with the place I'm in, even if it can be pretty lonely. The people who "get" me where I am are the people who love me the most anyway.

What about you? Are you a different you than you used to be? Do you think it's good or bad, and what brought the change?

Grumble Grumble

Do you have a complaint? A grumble? Something that's bugging you?

I've done my fair share of grumbling, especially lately, but then I got to thinking. Sometimes it's best to keep it to myself.

I don't mean we never have the right to whine a bit. We all need to let it out from time to time, but this post is to remind others (and myself) to be mindful of what they say and when. There is a time for everything, and that means sometimes it ISN'T the time.

When Emma was in the hospital in the beginning, I had to stay completely off social media sites. Why? Because I couldn't take one more person's whiney post about the "troubles" in their lives (usually troubles they'd put on themselves) while my daughter was fighting for her very next breath. I didn't want to read about anyones disappointment that their boyfriend had to work overtime, or how someone got a bad haircut. I wanted to shout, "Some people have REAL problems!".

This week there was something called the Fiddler's Convention in our town. We like to go, but this year we couldn't. I almost--almost!--posted on a certain social media network about how I wanted to go and was sad we weren't, but then I remembered how I felt when people posted their menial whines in the past. I decided not to post. Then I got online and relief washed over me that I hadn't posted my grumbles.

One friend had posted an update on her 10-day-old infant who is in NICU and on oxygen, and who is facing open heart surgery. One friend had posted an update on her father's funeral. And yet another friend had posted an update of her visit with the funeral home after she'd made arrangements for her 10-year-old son.

I don't have any real problems, not right now anyway. I encourage us all to cut out our grumbles and just be thankful! What are you thankful for today?