Life By Paper

At the time of this writing, the countdown ticker at the top of the page reads 10 days until Emma's No Mo Chemo. Ten measly days (and as of today, the day I'm posting, only 5 days!).

Mostly I am excited. Overjoyed. Grateful.

However, there is also apprehension. My life has been lived according to a piece of paper for two years and seven months now. That's a long time to be controlled, and the thought of no longer having to live according to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital's guidelines is a little bit overwhelming.

You see, they have dictated what I do every single morning for more than 2 1/2 years--give Emma her antibiotic. They have dictated what I do every single night before I go to bed for over 2 1/2 years--give Emma her chemo. They have dictated what I do every single Tuesday--go to the clinic for much of the work day. They have told me what I must do every time Emma runs a temperature of over 100.4 degrees--make the hour drive to the children's ER. Not only that, but they've given me regular reminder calls, occasional out-of-town visits to the main hospital in Memphis, and stacks and stacks of paper work, blood draws, and measurements.

What will I do when I no longer have to live my life according to a piece of paper--a roadmap, as they call it?

I don't know. I guess I'll just try to enjoy it. Suggestions?

Fear Not

I have learned a very big lesson going through pediatric cancer.  I have learned about my own insignificance.  I don't mean I am unimportant, or that other people are better than I am.  I mean that I know I can do nothing--not on my own.

My greatest desire is for the safety of my children.  I can do many things to help them toward this goal, things like making them wear bicycle helmets and seat belts, or teaching them about strangers, but in the end there is nothing I can do to keep them safe from cancer, car accidents, kidnappers, or just plain old bad things.  Only God can do that. 

It's like my life as a writer.  I can control only certain aspects of my "career".  I can polish my writing skills, edit my words to perfection, study the current book markets, and send my manuscripts out--but I cannot control whether an editor rejects or accepts my work.  I do all I can, but in the end the outcome is not really my decision to make.

What is your greatest desire?  Are you pulling the load on your own?  Is it too heavy for you?  Give it to God; he will carry it for you. 

Psalm 46: 1-3

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and thouh the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.  Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof.  Selah.