Broken

Thoughts and fears of my child’s death have made themselves a regular and sadly normal part of my life. However, losing a child in a place and manner such as happened last week in CT is unfathomable. I can’t go so far as to say it is “worse”. I don’t see how losing your child could be worse one way than another. One way you aren't expecting it and it is done by a madman. The other way you have to watch your child die a slow, painful death by a killer no one can control. Either way you are devastated. Dead inside. Broken.

Still, as the facts came out over the weekend, we saw it as it was—heinous and unimaginable.

My heart breaks for these families, and I offer up sincere prayers for their comfort, peace, and ability to go on. Sometimes life gives you lemons and you have to make lemonade. Other times life sends you a tsunami and cuts you down to drown you.

Rest in peace, sweet babies.

Reflections

I know, I know...I've neglected this blog quite a bit lately, but in my defense I've been busy. Emma's cancer journey is almost at its end (as I'm sure you are all aware by my constant reference to this fact!). I've done a lot of reflecting on this journey lately, reflecting on the changes it's brought about in our lives--bad changes and good changes.

Bad changes:

I have tons of videos and pictures of Emma as a baby, but none of Ashlyn. Reason? I wasn't with Ashlyn for huge chunks of time when she was a baby. Memories down the tubes.

I'm a much more stressed-out person now than I was before Emma got sick. This leads to less patience, which isn't really a good thing ever, but especially not when you have two small children.

I can't help but mourn when I think of the life that was lost. We were just so HAPPY before Emma got sick. We are all happy now, but it's a new, different kind of happy (note this is also a good thing, as we are happy on a deeper level). Still, I feel sad when I think of those happy, carefree days.

Good changes:

Micheal and I are both on different career paths than we were 2 years and 7 months ago. We are both happier on these paths. I was able to start writing again, which is awesome! These changes would never have been made if Emma hadn't gotten sick, for many reasons.

We love more. We appreciate more. We understand life more. The little things don't get to me anymore. In fact, I'm generally thankful for the little things. It means there's nothing BIG to worry about, and I don't like big. I like boring with a capital "B". Boring is good.

I hope that Emma is also on a different life path, too. She is on a path that we know for sure will be wrought with more pain and health issues in the future, but hopefully she will be a stronger person, a fearless person, and kind-hearted person. Hopefully she will remember that God can do anything, even take away cancer when it's got you by the throat (okay, bad pun).

So, that's all for me this time around. I'm debating whether or not to continue this blog once Emma finishes treatment. We'll see :).