A Parent's Love

Have you ever had to make your child do something that broke your heart? You know, something that was hard for them, maybe made them cry, but you knew they had to go through it? Think: dealing with a fight with friends at school, getting a shot, or taking yucky medicine.

It hurt you, too, right? Maybe you cried once you got alone. You wished you could take away your child's pain, but you knew you couldn't. It was something they needed to go through.

I realized recently that this is probably how God feels. When we have trials and tribulations, I believe God sits in Heaven weeping for us, his children. He wishes he could take away our pain, but he knows we have to go through whatever trial it is we are walking. He knows we must go through it to get to where we are going, but he sure wishes we didn't have to have so much pain. The book of Psalms tell us that God keeps our tears in a bottle. He hurts when we hurt, just like we hurt when our children hurt.

God's love is a parent's love.

This realization helped me so much when it came to accepting my life's circumstances, and not only accepting them, but also being thankful for them. Thankful? you say. That is a post for another day, and it took me a long time to get to that point. And truthfully, I'm not sure I could say that if my situation hadn't turned out the way it did.

What about you? Are you going through something that you don't see why God doesn't stop it? I hope you will come to see, like I did, that God is a loving father who cries with you.

The Signs

Today marks the two year anniversary from the first day we noticed something was "wrong" with Emma.  Funny breathing.  A whistling, wheezing sound with every breath she took.  We took her to her pediatrician, where she was placed on a three day round of Prednisone.  It took care of the wheezing ASAP.  Know why?  Prednisone is used as a chemotherapy.  I believe from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet that this Prednisone helped save Emma's life.  It shrank her cancer for an extra couple of days, getting us to the place we needed to be for God to take her the rest of the way.

Looking back, I see other clear signs of a problem (unexplained fevers that came and went, constant complaints of feeling tired).  I have kicked myself time and again for not recognizing these signs of something bigger going on.

Last week at the clinic, I talked to our nurse practicioner about these things.  I told her I wasn't sorry for the way things turned out, even though if Emma's cancer had been found earlier then things certainly would have been at least a fraction easier (no ICU and comas and ventilators).  But God knew exactly where we needed to be--St. Jude--and if we would have found her cancer earlier, she most certainly wouldn't have ended up there.  I am so thankful to be a part of my St. Jude family.  Not because other hospitals aren't as good, but because St. Jude really is like a great big family.  God blessed us immensely in leading us to a place where we would be so taken care of.

If you are going throught a storm, a hard time, a rough patch--consider it, and look for the good in it.  Even if it's only a tiny good in a midst of thorns.  The good attitude will get you through.

Accepting the Unacceptable

No, I can't say I am anywhere near "acceptance" of Emma's diagnosis.  Just last night I lay in bed crying because all of the sudden, this thought entered my mind--my five year old daughter has cancer.  Gulp!  What?  How did this happen?  I birthed her, and she was perfectly healthy!  My little girl does NOT have cancer!  She is not undergoing chemotherapy.  She is not a patient of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.  She is fine, fine, fine.

However, I don't always feel this way.  Sometimes I feel like I HAVE fully accepted this new life.  Sometimes I feel okay with it, but sometimes I feel sad, or angry.  And then there are the times of denial, like right now.

If there is something I have come to realize about the emotions this journey evokes, it is that we don't EVER master our emotions.  Just as I think I finally have the anger licked, it rears its ugly head.  Just as I think I am okay with it all, I get all depressed. 

I have noticed a few things, too, about the TIMING of these emotions.  1. If I am really busy, the bad emotions come more easily. 2. If I slack off on my devotion time each morning, the bad emotions come more easily.  So I have made a determination to keep a bit more organized, so that I don't get overwhelmed with a busy life, or let my quiet time slack off.  Writing helps, too.  I can express my feelings oh so much better in writing than if I were to talk to each of you face to face.

I think it is probably this way for everyone--not just cancer families.  Life is a roller coaster ride--with fun parts and scary parts.  So when your own ride takes a scary dip, how do you deal with it?